


nothing ever mattered (except the idea)

by galacticjellyfish



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, Break Up, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Obsessive Behavior, Panic Attacks, shane-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-26 15:35:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18285206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galacticjellyfish/pseuds/galacticjellyfish
Summary: Shane's watching the world around him fall apart and he's desperate to cling to any semblance of stability.





	nothing ever mattered (except the idea)

Shane enjoyed collecting things, he supposed. He collected the bodies of butterflies, every one a different species, arranged by colour, on his wall, encased in thin glass in the living room. He collected beanie babies to some degree, stacking them on his dresser, arranged by species, heart shaped tag still clinging to the ear of each one. He collected photographs of him and his friends, taken on various phones over the year, all getting printed at his local Walgreens and either pinned to his cork board or placed in picture frames to be put all over his house. 

He had very few unique pictures, because he didn't have many friends, but that was okay. He had The Try Guys, Keith and Eugene and Zach and Ned, who all liked him, but Shane wasn't sure how much they actually liked him. Shane hadn't noticed how little any of them talked to him until they left the company, and he realized all of his interactions with them had been work-related. Friendly, casual discussions only in the building, or the parking lot, none of them actually hung out at all. He had been alone before he supposed, but it was more obvious when Ned wasn't there to gush over his wife to him, or Eugene making sarcastic comments to everything Shane said, or Zach to be generally friendly with him, or Keith to make the boring bits of his job hilarious. It was a lot more quiet without them there. 

Ryan was really one of the only people he connected with at all, but it was so, so complicated. Their entire bit was how they were opposite of each other. They spent all this time with each other without being much of anything outside of co-workers. It felt like an act, because Ryan didn't talk to him much outside of work either. 

Other than Ryan, he really only had Sara. Sara was amazing to him, whenever they were together. They didn't live together, so it was kind of difficult to see each other, but he knew love when he felt it, and they were in deep.

Looking up with his own two hands, he realized an entire episode of Chopped had gone by, and he had missed all of it. He was just about to hit replay on the controller when he felt the vibration of his phone on the table and practically leaped for it. Long ago, he had disabled notifications from his social medias, tired of getting excited over someone liking his tweets, so he knew this had to be an actual person trying to contact him. His excitement was replaced with tiny pains in his heart as he read the text.

**♡♡♡ Sara ♡♡♡** **:** Smth came up and I cant come over tomorrow, sorry b

Shane frowned, reading the text over a few more times, before fully realizing that Sara had just cancelled their date night. Again. They used to have it every single week, then it was a couple times a month because their schedules were harder to work with, then at least once a month, and now Sara had pushed date night down the line for over a week, and soon it would be December, meaning they missed a month. And he knew Sara didn't want him coming to Thanksgiving with her family, so he wouldn't even see her that weekend.

He took a deep breath, though shaky, and typed a quick reply.

**shane:** that's okay! Just let me know whenever you wanna do it

After he replied, he turned his phone on silent and silently hoped that Ted Allen could distract him from his current crisis.

 

\---

 

“ _ Ricky’s Tin _ from Instagram asks, ‘Could the computer have been remotely hacked? I doubt that it was someone that worked for the company, because surely they would have caught them in the act or soon afterwards.’” Ryan’s voice came out crystal clear to everyone but Shane, who in all honesty had been spacing out the entire post-mortem. He listened just enough to make a comment about the comment, but he wasn’t really thinking. He was somewhere else, slowly being consumed with anxiety over his failing relationships, and how he wouldn’t be able to find anyone to replace them if they left.

“I mean,” Luckily, Ryan kept talking, giving Shane time to make sure his own voice came out even and not clearly freaked out, “It’s possible. I didn’t see the police really investigate anyone outside of the company.”

“Former employee, maybe?” Shane added.

“Maybe.” Ryan shrugged, “There weren’t many leads, so-”

“Hey, guys?” Devon had suddenly cut in, stood in the doorway, “I’m sorry, do you guys mind finishing the post-mortem in a little bit?”

Shane was internally relieved that they had to leave for a bit, in contrast to Ryan’s confusion and displeasure, “Yeah, is everything alright?”

“Oh yeah, everything’s all good.” Devon replied, “They need extra cameras upstairs, so you guys can just chill for a bit. I’ll call you when they wrap up.”

“Sounds good to me.” Shane stood up and walked out of the room quickly, only slowing down when he had to squeeze past Devon, who went to enter the room just as he left.

He heard Ryan’s footsteps and his voice from behind him, and he did his best to ignore him, but when Ryan eventually caught up and grabbed Shane’s shoulder, he was forced to stop and acknowledge him. 

“Shane, what’s going on with you?” Ryan asked sternly.

“What do you mean?” He replied, not sounding very convincing in his pretend confusion.

“You’ve been really distant and.. I don’t know, weird?” Ryan paused, “Like, weirder than usual. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“You worry too much, Ry.” Shane smiled, forced, but he was hoping Ryan would just ignore that, “Try not to worry, okay? I’m fine.”

Ryan didn’t look convinced,  _ he’s not a great actor either _ , but didn’t push it further, “If you say so Shane, just.. let me know if anything happens.”

“Okay, dad.” Shane rolled his eyes and began walking down the hallway once more, leaving Ryan to stand alone, watching after his friend with renewed concern.

 

\---

 

Shane found himself alone again that Saturday night, only really physically. He was by himself in his apartment, but his brain wouldn’t stop nagging at him, and Ryan was also texting him nonstop about how bored he was at this party and how he wished he could leave. Shane knew Ryan was trying to get him to go out wherever Ryan was and chill, because he knew Ryan had probably asked most everyone they knew already, and Shane was his last resort.

Self-hatred is really fun, everyone should try it. Or even better, everyone should just be honest with themselves and admit that they hate Shane Madej.  _ Shane Madej is the fucking worst. _ Is that him talking, or is that just the anxiety? When did he become his anxiety? How awful and manipulative would it be to ask Ryan to ditch Steven Lim and come over? Tear him away from his friends to come keep boring, depressed Shane company.  _ Hey Ryan, come over, I have chips and pop and we can watch Project Runway. _ He was absolutely pathetic.

A ding sounded from his phone again and he groaned into his couch pillow. Ryan again.

And yet he still found himself throwing himself to his phone, desperate for contact. Human contact. Anything. Let an alien come abduct him, he didn’t give a shit. He just needed attention.

 

**ryan:** ned got drunk and is fighting with eugene over who the best spice girl is

**shane:** we’ve truly reached the peak of human intelligence

**ryan:** lol yeah

**ryan:** sorry to ask again, but are you sure you don’t want to come over? 

**ryan:** nobody else has really seen you lately, i guess, and they were wondering why i didn’t bring you.

 

Shane let out a dry, sarcastic laugh because he knew Ryan wouldn’t see it. Somebody, missing him? What a joke.

 

**shane:** no, i’m just gonna stay home tonight

**shane:** as much as i’d love to watch drunk ned

 

Ryan took twenty minutes to respond and Shane noticed.

 

**ryan:** that’s cool. you should come with me next time though

 

Shane doesn’t know what to say to that, so he closes his phone and pulls a blanket over himself, trying to stop himself from screaming in frustration.

 

\---

 

"Shane? " Sara had walked over to Shane´s desk during his lunch, which he had decided to work through in hopes of going home early. He jumped a little, not hearing her approach, and not expecting her to talk to him, considering she hadn’t talked to him since the night before, even when they shared the elevator up that morning. Still, it was a pleasant surprise. 

He smiled up at her, abandoning his computer, “Hey! What’s up?”

“Um.” She wasn’t looking at him, “Can I talk to you? In private?”

“Of course, hun.” Shane couldn’t help but notice her grimace, “We can go to the board meeting room or something.”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Sara took the lead to the room, neither saying anything the entire walk there. The walk wasn’t long at all, less than three minutes, but it felt like eternity for Sara, who had to bear the guilt of whatever it was she was holding onto, and for Shane, who subconsciously knew exactly what was about to happen.

Shane almost forgot to close the door behind them, turning quickly to face his girlfriend, giving a weak, fake smile and continuing to act oblivious, “What was it that you wanted to talk about?”

Sara sighed, trying to find the right words, trying as hard as she could to make this not hurt. But this  _ was _ going to hurt. There had to be a way to gently tell him, to help him not feel like shit for the rest of the day, to let him know this had nothing to do with him and that nothing was really going to change.

“Shane, I-” She paused, “I think it would be for the best if we.. didn’t see each other anymore.”

And it hurt, like it was supposed to. And it hurt worse than any other pain Shane had ever experienced in all his pitiful years alive. And it was hard to breathe, hard to think and process everything around him. Everything was too much, and as gracefully as he could manage, he fell gently against the table, gripping the side tightly to stay upright and not embarrass himself further.

He felt his chest collapsing, and he forced tears back behind his eyes as he blocked most of Sara’s other words from his ears. Her mouth moved, but he couldn’t hear her, though he wasn’t sure if that was on purpose or not. He stood up straighter, gently moving his free hand onto her shoulder, a reassuring touch from the person currently curling in on himself. Shane gave another smile, a sad, ingenuine one, that was followed by tears rolling down his cheeks. He spoke, telling her that it was fine and he just wanted her to be happy. That the relationship was falling apart for some time, and they could still be friends. That he was okay, and he certainly didn’t need help. That he wasn’t crying. That he was fine. He was absolutely fine.

The words tumbled out of his mouth, but he didn’t hear himself say them, and he didn’t feel himself speed walking out of the room, trying his best to make it look like he wasn’t running with tears in his eyes to the bathroom, but it was so obvious. He locked the door behind him, leaning his back against the wooden door, hugging himself tightly as he began to sob, gasping for air between fits of crying. He slid down onto the ground, until his head was between his knees, arms covering the top of himself in an effort to silence the noise coming from himself.

Nobody came to check on him, and he prefered it that way, but bitterly acknowledged that nobody came to check on him not out of respect for his privacy, but because nobody cared enough about him. Except Ryan, Ryan Ryan Ryan Ryan, who went out for lunch and wasn’t back yet to know what was going on. Shane wondered if somebody texted Ryan, to tell him that his good-for-nothing friend had ran out of the board room and was now in the bathroom sobbing and how it was distracting everyone, so could he please come back and calm Shane down. He cried harder at the thought. His brain frantically went between two narratives, about how he had no friends, and how his girlfriend had broken up with him, and he couldn’t stop crying. His eyes stayed closed, not fancying the sight of the room spinning and black spots at that moment.

Shane didn’t know how much time had passed when the door was suddenly thrown open, sending him falling forward. He struggled to get up, not understanding what had happened. He heard Ryan yelling behind him and he smiled, but in a sarcastic, cynical way. Ryan picked the lock and came in to check on him. Ryan was the only one that cared about him. Ryan didn’t care about him. This was an act. He had no friends. Ryan was his friend.  _ He had no friends and he was an awful human being _ .

“Shane?” Ryan spoke, then tried yelling to get through to him, “Shane! Shane, can you hear me?”

Shane laughed, starting to cry again. He felt a hand on his shoulder, which made him jump up. He looked down at Ryan with wide eyes, unsure of what to do. Ryan looked hurt, likely due to his friend rejecting his touch and continuing to leave him in the dark about what was going on.

“Shane, what happened?” Ryan asked, desperate for something,  _ anything _ .

Shane didn’t fix his posture or make himself look presentable as he rushed past Ryan, abandoning his work and starting downstairs. He couldn’t be there anymore, he needed out. He was going home. He could stay late tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> this story was going to be just a long ass one-shot but as i kept writing it i realized it's gonna need a couple parts. and unfortunately this first chapter seems rushed when i read it back because i had to cut it off at some point, but i have no idea how to make it seem less forced. i also am not really sure where this is going if we're being honest fghjkl. anyways, hopefully i'll actually update this, considering i have a lot of chapter two done already.  
> okay i said too much considering nobody's gonna read this


End file.
